Unidentifiable hat-wearing marauder panics NHS

By JohnCarl McGrady

At around 7:45 A.M last Thursday, Nantucket High School administrators caught sight of an unidentified suspect sneaking into the school, completely disguised by a baseball cap they wore backwards across their head. The dangerous criminal cleverly hid among the stream of students entering the building as the first bell rang, leaving students and teachers alike terrified of what could have happened.

“It’s horrifying, really,” an administrator said. “That’s really the only way to describe it. To think that any of those innocent students could have been the target of this madmen’s horrid schemes…God, I’m tearing up. I can’t even think about it. The danger is truly unfathomable.”

While administrators have spent hours combing over the footage, they have been utterly unable to identify the intruder, as the presence of fabric atop their head has managed to render them almost invisible. Administrators have also not been able to determine the suspect’s gender, race, or even the colour of their clothing.

“We’ve been able to identify that they are likely over the age of four, based on the range of heights we think is plausible, but that’s about it,” the same administrator told Veritas. “Even that’s really a guess, the hat makes it pretty hard to tell. Frankly, if that was a four year old, I’d be surprised, but I wouldn’t be shocked. I would not be shocked at all.”

The administrator objected to our use of the term “suspect,” as he feels it is difficult to determine whether it was one person or multiple people, since the bill of the hat extended backwards over the suspect’s head could have been concealing another person or persons. 

However, after carefully examining each frame of the camera footage and interviewing seventeen witnesses, the FBI agent who has been tasked by the federal government with examining the case told us he is “fairly certain” there was only one intruder and was even able to tell us that the intruder “probably is human, I’m fairly sure. You can’t tell, not 100%, but looking at the number of visible legs, the gait, I don’t think that’s a dog or a deer or something, I really don’t.”

Regardless, this intrusion has left the school rattled to its core. One teacher, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, whispered that she is “afraid to return to work,” because “you just never know. If that could happen, what’s next? A hood?” She glanced around and leaned in before whispering, “what if next time, the intruder is wearing a shoulderless top?”

Several other school officials ran screaming from a Veritas reporter who accidentally forgot to take off his beanie, and were not able to comment.

“You just never expect it to happen to you,” one grim-faced school official said, while loading her shotgun. “You see these sickos on the news with their hats and their hoods, but in your community? You really can’t imagine. I don’t feel safe in school anymore, I don’t know how anyone could, not when these people—if they are people—can just waltz in wearing hats, or spaghetti straps, or shirts with the name of a copyrighted alcoholic product.” At this point, she began to strap knives to her body. “And you never know who it is. It could be anyone. It could be the sweet kid with the stutter, it could be Barack Obama, it could be a cat with particularly long legs. It could be you!” At this point, our reporter began to flee the scene, as the administrator was aiming her shotgun at him, but he heard her add “It could even be me, sleepwalking, or mind controlled, or something!”

National guard units are currently en route to Nantucket, and a local militia has been hastily formed by a terrified Selectboard. “It’s a huge safety concern,” one selectboard member said, “I can think of literally nothing more dangerous than someone wearing a hat inside of a school building for three seconds. It’s the kind of crime that can really only be punished one way, and that’s death.”

Student’s are afraid, too, with one Senior remarking that “you hate to see it, but there’s really no way we can keep going to school. I guess the school is just going to have to close early for the year. What a shame.”

Other students have voiced their agreement, with one freshman saying “I wish people would stop freaking out about me wearing a hat inside the school for, like, three seconds, but I have to admit, the armored tanks are kinda neat.” 

Alas, we may never know who the intruder was, and the extent of their horrific act on the school may take years to be fully understood.

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